04 September 2008

The Bill of No Rights

This was originally the work of Lewis Napper. The original version can be read here. What follows is my own adaptation of an adaptation of the original.

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We, the sensible People of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, envy-gnawed, guilt-ridden, self-loathing, delusional liberals and other bed-wetters.

We hold this Truth to be self-evident: that the Sorry State of the Public Schools, in combination with the Decline of Social Mores and the Advancement of Aggressive and Pernicious Self-Aggrandizement, has caused many people to be deluded, so that many Things, obvious to Persons of Good Sense, need to be explicitly spelled out.

ARTICLE I
You do not have the right to free food, housing, a new car, big-screen color TV, or any other form of wealth. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing professional couch potatoes who strive to produce nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. If you seek the Good Things in Life through honest labor, no one will applaud you more loudly than we, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II
You do not have the right to free health care. From the looks of public housing and public education, we have little faith in the state's ability to deliver cost-effective quality health care, anyway.

ARTICLE III

You do not have the right to stop something merely because it offends you. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone, not just you. You may leave the room, change the channel, express a different opinion, et cetera, but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. Likewise, you do not have the right to government funding of your cultural tastes, even if the rest of us are so philistine as to not share them.

ARTICLE IV
You do not have the right to escape the consequences of your own stupidity. If you stick a screwdriver into your eye, learn to be more careful, and do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy. If you catch a fatal illness because you are too stupid to control your libido, don't expect the rest of us to shuck out a zillion dollars to find a cure for it. If you attempt to protest something by blocking a thoroughfare with your body, and somebody runs over you, don't come crying to us; we believe that such people should be run over.

ARTICLE V
You do not have the right to escape the consequences of your own inadequacy. The world has many people who are smarter than you, richer than you, better-looking than you, or more athletic than you, and we see no need for them to apologize for it, or become dumber, poorer, uglier, or clumsier, just to suit your neurotic jealousy. Get over it. Likewise, just because you are incompetent at running a commercial enterprise, do not expect Uncle Sam to help you retain your undeserved place in the market with loans, subsidies, price supports, anti-trust prosecutors, or other socialist paraphernalia.

ARTICLE VI
You do not have the right to physically harm other people, even if some now-dead ancestors of theirs imposed slavery and oppression on some now-dead ancestors of yours. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised when the rest of us gang up on you and make you into lasagna.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others, even if some now-dead ancestors of theirs imposed slavery and oppression on some now-dead ancestors of yours. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised when the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

Furthermore, you do not have the right to go unpunished for something you did, merely because some inconsequential legal error was made during your prosecution. But if it makes you feel any better, we'll throw the miscreant official in jail.

ARTICLE VII
You do not have the right to make our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments, and if you actually go over there and do some of the fighting yourself, you might find one of us fighting alongside you. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. Besides, the tactic we would prefer–which was last employed on Hiroshima and Nagasaki–would probably wound your sensibilities even more than the atrocities you presently decry.

ARTICLE VIII
You do not have the right to a paycheck of any particular size, or any paycheck at all. We expect you to obtain the skills necessary for honest labor, and we expect you to seek honest labor, but we also recognize that our businessmen need not hire or retain people whose presence in the work place is not to the employer's benefit. Likewise, you do not have the right to raises, pleasant working conditions, or to force your employer to keep your position vacant so that you still have a job when the strike is over.

ARTICLE IX
You do not have the right to order other people's lives or property to suit your whims. Specifically, if they wish to cut down a tree they own, kill a spotted owl on their property, or not let you into their club, too bad. Likewise, you do not have the right to impose your crackpot economical, environmental, political or religious ideas on the rest of us.

ARTICLE X
You do not have the right to happiness. Being a human being means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

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